Thursday, February 7, 2013

The Sky is Falling

Stolen internet photo.
I think everyone has their own "sky is falling" theory and right now it seems more apparent than ever.  I used to enjoy snickering at others from afar as they donned their matching outfits and raised their arms to the sky, waiting for a free ride on the tail of a comet.  They were weirdos after all, a spectacle.  But now it seems normal people are caught up in, and acting out on, their own apocalypse scenario.  So what gives?

Foreign terrorist elements are plotting against me personally.  They are in the bushes lighting their streak marked, underwear bombs.  Since I have no women or children to speak of they must be after my bikes, after all that is the only thing of value I own.  Shit those bikes are expensive manifestations of my over-indulgent, Godless American greed.  I have it better than most though since the terrorists are easy to recognize.  By definition foreigners look and act and speak differently.  Plus the beady look of Jihad in their eyes gives them away.  

My neighbor has it much worse than me.  His own government is targeting him.  A plain clothes FBI agent casually reads a newspaper while parked inconspicuously across the street.  But my neighbor is no idiot.  In his underground doomsday bunker he is stockpiling an arsenal for such an event (luckily his emergency response protocol generalizes well to mutated, swine flu zombie attacks).  Somehow I think the tactics he acquired as an insurance salesman won't save him from a bulletproof van full of liberty hating ATF tyrants.  Like anyone with red blood flowing through their veins, he is prepared to go down in a hail of lead-filled glory, forsaken by his militia who have yet to punch the clock at work and race home to his rescue, only to find that they are one breakfast burrito too many from fitting into their surplus Kevlar.

And then there is the toxic ooze I am expected to drink from my faucet.  That shit is flammable.  I will surely die from either dehydration or leukemia if I can't move to an off-the-grid Montana compound first.  I can take comfort in the fact that before my tap water does me in I will be eaten alive by the last ravenous polar bear riding an errant iceberg released from Canada to the once plentiful deserts of Utah turned fracking sprawltropolis during a freak, climate change, weather event.  I can also take solace in the remaining moments of my life knowing that the inversion abomination will once and for all be washed out, affording me my last breath of fresh air.

So really, what gives?  People are bat shit, fucking crazy!  I am not saying that any of these concerns (among many many more) are without merit.  Terrorism . . . we all witnessed 911.  It still gets me chocked up every year when PBS shows those horrific documentaries in remembrance.   We shouldn't live with that kind of worry.  And the 2nd amendment . . . I come from a family of hunters.  It is a good, wholesome, family activity which provides sustenance and a chance for generations to connect when opportunities are scarce.  In addition, having the ability to protect yourself from a home intruder is a brave and dignified response to a life threatening situation.  Environmental degradation . . . if you live in the Wasatch Front all you have to do is step outside and go for a jog to figure out how bad that is (especially this winter).   We all desire a world where we can breath and eat and drink and recreate in our own backyards.  Kids shouldn't expect asthma.

I'm sure a lot of people will dismiss the above examples as ludicrous - straw-men if you will.  Admittedly they are ridiculous but that is the point.  These are barely embellished conversations that real people are having and these people aren't even the crazy Heavan's Gate folks awating Hale-Bopp.  These are our neighbors and coworkers and friends and family members.  These are the people who need a little perspective taking before any real problem solving can happen.

Right?

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